Promises

There’s a fire within 
Which is raging 
Like a wild horse 
That can’t be held back anymore 
Testing limits
Pushing boundaries 
Willing to break free from bondage 
And galloping into the ocean 
Sending ripples in all directions 

She sits and wonders 
As she stares out of the window 
Sipping her afternoon tea 
What does this stirring mean? 
It can’t be held back, it can’t be contained 
Can she go and explore her wildness 
Her body, her mind, her soul? 

The flames hiss and rise
Touching the sky
The unmet potential 
Waiting to be unleashed 
The sleeping snake can’t wait to uncoil 
And make its way up 
To fulfil its destiny 

She can’t wait no more 
For them to understand 
For permission to be granted  
To seek happiness, to find herself  
Where she is not defined by the roles she plays 
Glorified as the mother and the martyr 
Will she set herself free? 

The doorbell rings, 
The tea has gotten cold 
And the kids are back home from school 
She ties her hair into a neat bun 
Meals to figure, homework to be done 
The fire turns the dream to ashes 
Which she sweeps under the carpet 
Someday, she says, 
She promises herself…

Betrayal

To the little girl 
Whose dreams I couldn’t  fulfil 

Whose eyes of wonder are filled with tears 

Which I didn’t wipe when she needed me the most

Who I didn’t hold, when she was hurt

Who I didn’t love, with my whole being 

Who I shamed when she didnt make me proud  

And blamed when he broke her heart 

Who I hurt - unknowingly - in so many ways 

For I didn’t know any better then 

In that pain, I was also broken 

I’m sorry I didn’t stand up for you 

I’m sorry I didn’t let you speak your mind

I let you feel small and I let you feel bad 

I let you cry alone when you were sad 

I didn’t know how to help you fit in 

I didn’t know it would be better if you didn’t 

I pushed you to take the fall 

Because I too afraid to make the call 

Let me apologise, don’t stop me today

Together then we will find a way 

To love you and to honour me 

So we can live authentically 

I set you free, o little one 

Of all the memories I trapped you in 

Held you back, didn’t let you grow

Too afraid to let you go 

To everything you didn’t achieve 

To all the heights you didn’t reach 

Those roads were not our path to travel 

We wait now, for life to unravel 

Merge within me, while we take a chance 

Sing with me, do the happy dance 

I dream again, for us both

Come little girl, come on forth 

Equanimous

The oceans swell

The winds blow 

Fierce, soft, stormy 

All at the same time 

And I swoosh and sway

Unable to stay

Equanimous 

Sometimes to the right 

Sometimes I’m more leftist 

Always, on one side or the other 

Two sides of the same coin 

Alluding of the duality

That makes this reality 

That makes me react 

To this and to that 

And I struggle to be

Equanimous 

I get sucked in 

I get pulled in 

I loose track of the awareness 

That I am not this stir within 

Or without 

The fire  burns in my heart 

Both hot and cold

Disrupting and erupting 

Unable to hold still and remain 

Equanimous 

This strife 

This struggle 

This holding on and letting go 

Cycle after cycle 

Keeping me away from Me

Muddled in obscurity 

Till the lens of the veil lifts 

And there’s nothing after all 

No action, no reaction 

Just a flow of endless being 

And I become who I always am

Equanimous 

War

 

The Great War of our times
Is the one that wages within
With me fighting myself
Neither winning
The voices of good and evil
Thundering in my head
As the devil and the saint
Befuddle my intellect
I want to run away
To a land of peace and joy
I can’t seem to get away -
From me - how can I?

The war rages on and on
Till I stop, and sit in silence
Hearing desire lure the heart
While righteousness sternly grips the mind
The man within bends from his burdens
As the little child wants to jump with joy
Passion wants to fire the belly
While caution pulls back and demands patience
The sea calls out, the mountain tops sing
The city lures with her shiny things
Love beckons with a promise of happiness forever
While the arrows of betrayal still poke and sting

I hold my breath till I sense nothing
Only peace, a quiet stillness
In that moment of illumination
Light falls upon each shadow
Revealing there’s nothing more to fight
As the mind slowly ceases to try to win
I let go, and let it flow
Into His ocean, as I swim
I end the war, the war within

Peace

Looking for peace I left the country 

To a land far away, filled with mountains and trees 

Farms and horses, even the seas and the shore 

Didn’t give me the peace I was looking for 

Looking for peace I came back home

Where care and connection would feed my soul 

Not food, nor chatter; it only made me fatter

I couldn’t find the peace that would matter 

Looking for peace I changed my profession

To this and that, it followed in succession 

Left chasing clients and conquering quests 

Still didnt find the peace to keep my mind at rest 

Looking for peace in the arms of love I chose to rest 

Felt whole and complete, for a second at best 

Went through ups  and downs, frictions and frowns 

Really not the best place to find peace in town 

Looking for peace, tired and restless 

This life went by, searching for bliss 

I stopped by the woods, rested my back on a tree 

Took a deep breath, and suddenly felt free 

In that moment, when I left the trail of the chase 

Peace found me, held me in embrace 

With each breath, not in the future nor past 

Here I was, present, peaceful at last

Pyre of Dreams

 Why can’t I let it go? Why are you at war with me about this? 

Because you need to hold on to your dream and because you deserve them in every way 

But they’re never going to happen - and there’s only pain

They will - the moment u stop believing that 

🔥 🔥 🔥

Burn away little one

Become into ash

Be buried deep into the heart of the earth 

So she can collect your wounds and let them return to nothing 

Burn away those dreams

The chains of regret that hold you back 

Set yourself free, to create new beginnings 

Burn away those sorrows

Of things not done, experiences not had, loves not fulfillled 

They occupy space within me -

I need more to create 

A life that’s meant for you 

For you to shine your beauty

For you to experience not the love of your dreams 

But the love of your life

Of a life lived with soul 

Of honesty and authenticity 

Of your voice, my voice 

Singing to the beats of the cosmos

For yours is no ordinary journey

And no ordinary dream 

Let the waters clear the debris 

To make way for my flow 

As your embark on a new journey 

Into the river of life

She

Its easy, isn’t it

to point a finger

to give blame

to appropriate shame

SHE must have done something to deserve it

and no, its not just rape or eve teasing

not the gravest deeds of them all

but the generation after generation of tradition

of the pain and blame game

that gets seeded and set forth into motion 

when the next wave reaches its shore

she forgets her desire to leave her in laws home

when she felt suffocated and crushed

by the force of the matriarch ruling the kitchen

and the law of the patriarchal code

she forgets her desire to have her own home

to decorate it as she would embellish herself

to adorn it to reflect her beauty

she forgets her shame when she was stared at

or forced to cover up, or whistled at, or followed in the early evening as she came back home from work

when she shames the girls that get eve teased on new years 

and proclaims the need to “lock them up and get them married quickly”

she forgets that she too was young, had dreams that were crushed,

had desires and ambition

when she forces the other women to give up their own 

only to become cows and mules to slave

waiting on with hands, legs, body and baited breath

for the appreciation of the men they serve

she forgets the first time when the her heart snapped and broke 

from the shock of the strike on her face

and mocks the rising from ek thappad

dismissing it as small occurrence in the big picture

she forgets she too was a woman

before she became a mother, a grandmother, a mother in law, a judge

she was the “aaj kal ki ladki” with red nail polish and a free spirit

before she became the keeper of the keys

that bind us with chains of dark history

only to be perpetuated until we come together

and save us all -  women - them, us, and those that are yet to come..

 

This, That

This goes with that

This is how it’s done 

This is where you put it 

This is how you sit little lady

This is how you sip

Cross your knees, at least your ankles 

Don’t wear your skirt up so high 

Comb that hair dear one 

Make sure your chores are done 

And clean up, look pretty 

Don’t try and be so witty

You’re looking like a gruffly boy 

Stop playing with your brothers toy

Say it softly, gently must you speak 

Mind that temper, it shows you’re weak 

Control your mouth, no filth must come out 

Agree, pleasantly and dare not shout

Aaaaarrrghhh! 

You make me want to scream

I’m as much a ragga muffin 

As a fairy queen 

Why can’t I wear pink with the yellow and blue,  

Why can’t I climb trees like the boys do?

Leave my hand, let me run freely 

The fields beckon, the trees whisper 

Come and sit with us a while

Stretch your legs and rest your back 

Let the grass tickle your skin 

Breathe in this cold dry wind

Mother, mother - Come with me 

This is where life is meant to be

We’ll bite into apples straight from the tree

And drink the spring waters and splash our faces clean 

Sing songs so loud, our voices are heard 

Travelling along with the sounds of the bird 

Stare into the deep blue skies 

Smell flowers, watch the butterflies 

Come mother come, come with me

It’s time for you to hold my hand

To help me grow into being me

And it’s time for you, to set yourself free

Rainy Days

Be practical, I was told 

A long life lies ahead that 

That needs money, security, a solid foundation 

No time to dance, no time to play

All of this won’t give you anything for the rainy day 

Sigh, oh sigh - these rainy days

When all I want to do is dance and play 

Splash the water with my feet 

And wet my chappals and splutter 

The muddy muck  from the urban river 

Onto your clean dry white canvas 

Does growing up mean I have to watch 

Little children from my window 

While I drink tea and eat the bhajiya 

And they live and jump, completely free

As the raindrops wet their little faces 

And light their hearts with such glee 

Oh what is this so called practicality 

When I was born to live completely free

Free from the bondages of what Ive been told 

Of the mirrors of the past and the dreams of a future

So secure that I can’t break past

The tight  ropes that tie me to this cast 

This mould of who I’m supposed to be

Oh when, when, can I just be me 

This rain, when it comes down in its glory 

Brightening up my sunniest days 

With pregnant clouds, thunder and deep, dark skies 

Giving life to every sentient being 

I leave my comfort - I come to dance with thee

Set me free, set me free

The Grand Finale

I want a new song, I said 

What kind, He asked 

One that I don’t have to sing all alone 

Where the range is limited by me

Where the sound is all mine 

Where the wave reaches its end 

And meets no one 

Where is the fun in that?

Wasn’t life meant to be a dance 

Of two 

A duet 

A jugalbandi 

I had always been told that was the final concert 

And yet I was never prepared for either 

Not a path of two, nor a life of one 

Was never taught to string in harmony

So I just sang alone

I’ve practiced and practiced

And perfected my performance 

I’ve learnt to be patient 

To hum in the back 

To not ask for the lead 

Or be too loud 

Can I now have the prestigious reward 

Of being tied to another 

Forever?

This is the renaissance 

The old melodies are played in halls 

Of haunted corridors and creaking floors 

Raise your voice 

And stand up tall 

Push yourself higher 

Till the sharp alto breaks snaps the cord of condition 

Push yourself harder

Till your own baritone resonates in your depths 

Embody them all

For at the end of the aria 

The song fades into the darkness 

And as you stand there 

Taking a bow 

And the lights go off

There is no other 

The SisterHood

I may not have the words to comfort you

As you bleed tears of pain 
I may not be there to hold you 
In a tight embrace and offer you strength 
I may not be able to help you 
Stand up when you’re feeling down 
And I may never be able to understand 
What you’re going through 
And how life tests you every day 
As you smile through your troubles 
And wade through the muck
On this journey we must all take alone 

But I’ll be here for you 
In a sacred circle 
Holding space 
Offering you with open arms 
A home to rest, to recuperate 
To share what you hold within 
Your joy, your sorrow, your gift 
To speak the words that may not be allowed 
To be spoken in the world out loud
I will listen, I will acknowledge 
I will laugh and I will cry
With you, my sister 
Till we heal from within, and without 
In this Sacred circle we are forever bound 

The Scar

I stare at the scar 

Patched up 

Sealed

Healed even maybe 

And I smile 

At the uprising that takes place within 

Sadness 

Grief 

Anger 

Even love at the same time 

The memory arises of the pain there was 

Of the pain that caused it 

Of the pain that it left behind 

And I smile 

Yet again 

Through that pain I met a part of me

That has the fortitude and resilience

Of a woman 

Who knows what it is to birth a child 

Through that pain I met the part of me

That has love and compassion 

As she holds herself and her sisters in a quiet embrace 

In it, I found the strength 

To gather pieces and stitch them together 

Piece by piece 

Of me

And from it, I rose

To stand tall and tell my story 

I stare at the scar with love

It’s beauty brings a tear to my eye 

I wish...

I wish I was a parking ticket

Easy to be validated

I wish I was a chubby puppy

So easy to love

I wish I was like the sun

Radiant with my own light 

I wish I was the moon

Content shining the light from another 

I wish I was a flower

Touching this world with Beauty

I wish I was a tiny bug

No one would ever see me

I wish I was the majestic mountain

Still, never missed for being gigantic 

I  wish I was tall like her

So I could walk with grace

And I wish I had her body

So I could dress with finesse 

I wish I was good at math

So I could plan my financial life

And I wish I was creative 

I expressed myself with ease

I wish I was smarter 

And stood as equal with the intellectuals 

I wish I was calmer

So I could navigate my relationships with ease

I wish I was someone else

Who didn’t have these words to pen

In all these wishes the only wish I really had

Was that I wish I wasn’t me

I wish I wasn’t ashamed 

Of the choices I made when I was younger

I wish I wasn’t embarrassed  

Of the pain that still scars my wrist

I wish I wasn’t scared

Of the voices that screamed even in my dreams

I wish I wasn’t guilty 

When I wasn’t even involved

I wish I had said no

When I didn’t want to say yes

I wish I had pushed back

When I wanted to build a wall

I wish I had forgiven

Instead of letting it rot

I wish I has spoken 

Instead of maintaining peace

I wish I was silent

When all I released was poison

I wish I had held back

When I raised my hand in despair

I wish I had opened my arms

When I really wanted to be held

I wish I had stood up

Instead of staying down

In all these wishes the only wish I really had

Was that I wish I has just been happy to be Me

Non-Sense

You don’t understand, for you cannot see

The world beyond the ordinary 

Of fairies, of pixies, of devas in trees

Of the deep jungles that hold the mysteries 

Of the crystal fountains that give breath and life 

You don’t understand, for you cannot hear 

The HAM of the universe 

Of shiv, of parvati 

Of the heart beating and pulsating 

As they dance to the rhythm of the songs beyond 

You don’t understand, for you cannot feel 

The winds speaking as they touch your body

The vibration of life making its way thru every fabric of creation 

Yet you breathe, ye know not what 

You don’t understand, for you cannot smell 

The sweet fragrance of her blessings 

His omnipotent Presence 

In each flower that beholds His unique imprint 

You don’t understand, and you never will 

Until you close your eyes and mind 

And open your heart to that what lies 

Beyond this world of struggle and strife 

There in the midst of the field of chaos

Magick awaits; some call it theos 

You wear your straight jacket, and ease it’s crease 

And ignore the wave of the sweet breeze 

You call me crazy, strange at best 

As I sit down and want to rest 

Lost in the world of imagination 

Of magick and of creation 

Of fairies and pixies and those little playful elves 

When Spirit Descends

When Spirit descends 

The hand starts to move 

Colours spray themselves on the canvas 

Shape forms 

Textures layer themselves upon each other 

And a painting comes to life 

Proportion and geometry meet each other in perfect angles 

And curves bend to the laws of nature 

A central force pushes its boundary 

And encapsulates itself into the Bindu 

A yantra is formed 

Words fall upon paper

Metaphors expand into awareness 

They rhyme sometimes 

But always have a rhythm 

A poem is written 

The melody follows the beat of the drum

The piano plays the tune

The ensemble picks up where the song finishes 

The music lives on to sing 

When spirit descends 

Millions of tiny little sparks light up the universe 

With beauty and expression 

Life emerges

Alive

 

You could be alive, yet dead inside

Your coffers could be filled with the rarest of them gems

And yet your heart, as empty as them pens

With no ink to write another story

 Your life could be surrounded by people of name

Your home filled with the whose who of fame

Yet your heart could not have one it could call

To share your happiness, your sadness, your rise, your fall

You could be alive, yet dead inside

You could wake up, and yet never rise

To embrace life, to live it for each moment

Open your eyes, your soul awaits

Not for you to watch the movies others make

To be moved by their tales of adventure

But to write your own, to traverse the unknown 

To walk up the mountain that seems too high

To follow your heart - sing your own song

Break bread with strangers, sit by a fire as you stay warm

This is the heat that keeps Spirit moving on…

You could be alive, yet dead inside

If you don’t wake up, and finally rise. 

Silence

My body needs to rest

My soul needs to heal

To step away from the humdrum

Into a quiet retreat

Get some quiet, they say

Some get their peace there

Some feel haunted 

Like the walls are closing in 

I want some quiet too

To be alone with myself 

The sounds of the woods

The silence of the trees

The silence of the ocean

My soul feels beckoned to lie in

I need the silence of the underwater

Not the silence of loneliness

Not all silence is golden

There is a taste to the quiet

Some silence brings joy

Some pain

 

Out comes the grief, sadness, and shame

Memories, dreams, everything insane

Then comes a moment of zero thought

From there I can, begin again

Possibility

(Received in meditation from Goddess Isis)

Today, she let go

Of everything that she had held onto 

For it was holding her back 

Of everything that had wounded her 

For it was causing her pain 

Of those parts that no longer served her 

For they were those that needed service 

Today, she let go

Of her childhood, and her years away

Of her dreams, and her fantasies, of her hopes 

Of her hate, her anger, of her sorrows, her pain, of her self... 

She let them be transformed 

Back into Light 

Gone forever 

What did she let go of?

Everything

What did she have now?

Nothing 

What did she have now? 

Nothing 

What did she have now? 

Everything 

She opened herself up to new possibility...

Why I chose the spiritual path?

When I started this journey, I was a confused, lost, clinically depressed and very, very angry kind of young woman in her mid 30s.  Without going into the greater details of what was wrong with my life, it would suffice to say I was not only unhappy, but very confused about what the point of this miserable existence was… were we all meant to be born, go to school, college, work, marry, have children and die? What was the purpose of a life that was filled with no joy and then why was it so hard to end it even when I thought about it so many times.

 

At this point I had been to enough counselling sessions, was given many clinical labels but had also refused to get on medication. That was not my journey and I knew that somehow. One morning as I prayed to a god I didn’t believe in, and asked him rather dramatically, that, if you exist, and if you can hear me, send me a clear answer. Show me a path, send me a teacher because I don’t want a book. I want a human being, someone who will hold my hand and help me back on my feet.

 

That evening, a series of events lead me to my Reiki Level One class in December 2013. Two days before Christmas, when all of the young happy people in the world rejoice in drinking and dancing I started my first 21 day cleanse. That Reiki class changed my life. In that class, I had my first experience and interaction with God.

 

Nothing before had ever felt true. No one could take away what happened in those few minutes as I sat on the chair and interacted with God and seen that he had heard me, shown up for me and even sent me  a teacher. EXACTLY what I had asked. Six years later, as I write this, I realized that I didn’t choose this path. The path chose me. He chose me. He knew I needed this more than anything in the world. No man, no job, no child, not money, house, fame, can give you what a relationship with God can give you. And here’s what it gave me and continues to give me…

 

The path gives me a reason to live. It helps me see life with perspective. It helps me look at this experience and understand the greater purpose of it. It makes me a nicer person. Let me not fool anyone; I am no saint! But I’m not today the unhappy, miserable, angry person I used to be. I am kinder, not just to others, but to myself too. I am expressive, honest, kind, compassionate and I work hard at trying to be more of those every day. And I fail every day. And I take responsibly for it. And the only thing that keeps me going is the knowing that that is the journey.

 

I’ve struggled with faith and trust my whole life. And the lack of that makes me a very fearful person. And yet, deep within I’ve started to develop a knowing that it’s all ok. And that He’s got my back. And that even if I was stripped away of everything, no one can take that away from me. And it’s an anchor I live with and struggle with everyday.

 

I know the final journey is back to God. But a part of me resists that. A whole life of unfulfilled human desires still calls out to me and it would be dishonest and dishonorable of me, to myself to not acknowledge  and own that. And then I ask myself if I could choose between the two, and I realize that I cant. It is WHO I AM. It’s not a choice I can make. Its not a choice I made. Its inherent and undeniable.

 

Many a times it's lonely. Even though I've met the most amazing, loving, supportive people ever along the way. For each one of us, it's a journey we have to take alone. Sometimes it's hard. Because you're not only fighting with your own mind and emotions, but also with a whole system of beliefs of who we are, and what we're supposed to be and do in the world. Because not too many people understand why and what the point is of this path. Not friends, not family. Many view it as my career. But I could be a regular therapist and not a spiritual teacher – and that wouldn’t make any sense to me, because true healing can’t be done without engaging with Spirit.

Spirit is everywhere and is everything. So how can life be lived without that? I see glimpses of his hand in every healing, in every conversation, in flowers, and tress and the ocean, in puppies and dolphins, and in all of those unseen, subtle worlds that make life magic! And Spirit is in the miracle of every new born baby, and in also the death of every person who has suffered from illness and moved onward from this life. Spirit is also in loss, and sadness and broken dreams. Spirit inspires stories, movies, food, beauty, art, music, science - and every act of kindness, every word of love reflects that. So again, how can life be lived without that?

 

Like every relationship, this relationship with God needs work. It’s also the one relationship where the work is deeply rewarding. It fills me up with joy and happiness and peace in ways that I couldn’t imagine. It inspires me to do more, to care more. And it's not easy. i continue to be a brat and  it’s also filled with pain and tears and fights and anger. And then overcoming all of those things, little by little.

 

I often ask myself even today - what the path is - is it self-empowerment, it is self-improvement, is it service and helping others? And I realized that it’s the journey I walk hand in hand with God  - no matter what I was doing, whether I was a chef or a mother or a CEO or a reiki teacher. And that’s the path. That’s my path.

Surrender in COVID-19

On March 24, the Prime Minister announced a 21 day lockdown. The next day was my mothers birthday and I decided to go to my parents home for a couple of days before I came back to the sanctity and quiet of my own home for the rest of the lockdown.

Today is May 13, and I still haven't gone back to my own house, for many reasons. However this post is not about those reasons, but is about an inner journey from the despair and anguish i started with, to a state of peace and flow.

In the first few weeks, there was so much resistance. The world had gone mad. Every where people were panicking and trying to comprehend what had just hit us. This was a suspended reality - a chasm between what "normal life" was and an unknown future of what it's going to be.

And that's what anxiety is - a feeling of uncertainty for what will happen in the future.  And was I scared - every single plan I had made for my immediate future, had in one moment crashed and landed into many little pieces. I had just moved into my own home - and with that moved forward into a phase of my life filled with excitement. It was gone! Not only did I lose hope, but there was a massive burden that I had undertaken - RENT! Without being able to work (my teaching work needs me to initiate people in the physical body) - how would  I pay rent for an apartment I was not even living in?!

First, came all the anger at the unfairness of the situation.  Yes, I was grateful that I was with family, but the whole point of moving out was to be on my own, and here i was back to where i started. That was just not fair!

Then came the sadness and grief as I realised what I was really angry about - unfulfilled dreams and shattered expectations. I was in mourning, but not for "real" things, but what seemed like a lost opportunity, a stolen dream, and what looked like a bleak, uncertain future over which I had absolutely no control.

When the mourning period ended, I realised I needed to embrace the current moment. The future could be anything! and what I was actually mourning was MY idea what I thought it would be. And that wasn't even real, even though my emotion was. This is what Buddha referred to as suffering, which only comes because of attachment. What was real was, that here I was, with my family, and my laptop, and with no access to my house. And what was I going to do?

I stopped fighting and spent every day trying to stay in the present moment. Meditation, self-healing, awareness - all of it helped. But what helped the most was dropping the resistance to accept the situation, exactly as it is, for what it is, without any emotional drama. Acceptance followed with much more ease as I started living day to day, just for that very day.

I started telling myself that I will first handle today, and do what I can today, and when the month end arrives, I'll see then, on that day, what to do. I started to look for ways to create work for myself. As soon as I opened the internal door, the universe responded. By the end of the month, I had made enough to pay my rent.

Even today, every time I think about two months from today, or even two weeks from today, or even two days from today, my head goes into a tizzy. Because my mind cannot possibly fathom with certainty what the future will look like, I feel a sense of lack of control and my friend, the anxious little weasel starts to pop its head out.

So I stopped wondering. I stopped engaging in conversations that were driven by fear and were based in randomly chatting about the state of affairs and the future. I started changing my meditations to more awareness and mindful practices. I started deep breathing and praying. I started to surrender, which in my case was simply learning to accept this moment for what is is, fully and completely, without fighting with myself, God or the Universe.

These are my lemons. 

Surrender means - make lemonade.