Life of Light

It's Diwali 

It's my turn 

To live my purpose 

To be lit 

To light 

And then fade away into the darkness 

I am but a diya

As the sun rises 

I become more and more insignificant 

Lost in the brightness 

Of life and it's bounty 

A mere speck

Unnoticed 

Indistinguishable 

As time turns a soft corner 

And the night falls upon us

When the mighty Light leaves us to find our own path 

And souls come searching 

Lost 

Confused 

Unable to discern the shadows

Snake like ropes that lay traps 

Knocking them down 

Making them fall

Into the deception of their own minds 

I rejoice my birth into these dark times 

For now I can be seen from afar 

By many a traveller along his journey 

Bringing hope, light and warmth 

Unveiling what lurks behind the shadows

Dispelling all lies 

To be just a diya 

And the bringer of light 

Into this age of drudgery 

I smile at my might 

A Sign

Give me a sign

Show me something 

While I despair 

Not knowing how to make sense of things 

How to move forward 

Where I'm heading 

If anywhere at all

Where I'm meant to be

If somewhere, after all

Let me know that you're watching 

Give me just a clue

Make a sound that I can hear

Even though I may not always listen 

A way to break away from this roundabout

Into a possible direction 

Head closer to you 

Flow into your bounty 

Through the never ending sands 

That I walk in now 

No map, no route - 

Make the sun rise 

Shine into my eyes this morning 

So I can find East

Point out West from where it sets

Arms stretched I make head into North 

I see the star 

Everyday 

Walking before me

The moon by my side 

I still don't notice that these are the signs 

Rays of hope come into my life 

Every morning 

I only see the alarm clock tick by

Snooze for just ten more minutes... 

As I lay at night I draw my blinds 

Oblivious to the ever present bright North light 

I just don't have a clue 

Because I wasn't able to find - 

You - 

In everything from morn to night 

He

He lays down the path 

He sets you free

To follow your heart 

To chase your dream 

You fall sometimes 

He picks you up 

Heals the pain

Nurses your wounds 

You get lost a little 

Stray off into the woods 

Arms open He waits patiently 

Then welcomes you home 

He appears as a bandit 

To rob you off everything 

Until you know you have it all

When He's living in your heart 

He appears as the lover 

Testing you, Seducing you

To see how you really feel 

And what you truly hold dear 

He raises the bar too 

Just a little bit higher each time

So you can surrender to his will 

And reach the infinite skies 

He tests your faith, your perseverance 

Your will, your determination

In the end he only wants your love

For in that love you find yourself, as him, complete 

A Story

let me tell you a story
a story of what can be
a story of love and joy 
where pictures you can see 
of whatever you think, you feel
of people and of places
that the mind means to visit 
that the heart wants to see 

add in the many characters 
who play their various roles
and one master puppeteer
who oversees the whole
they sing, they dance, they laugh, they cry
they love and loose, and find themselves again
while He waits within your heart
for the next beat, for the next cut

you see, you're the hero
and the villain too
the producer and the director
the movie maker too
you choose your cast, and the lines
you choose to love, you choose to whine
you unfold your own story, you write it too
I'm only the mirror, to show you, it's all you! 

The Journey

When I left home yesterday 

I was incomplete 

Not because I had left something behind 

But I knew that something was just missing 

I just hadn't uncovered yet 

Parts of me that existed 

Didn't know who I really was 

Or how to even define 

What really went on inside of me 

What was going on in my mind 

Then I went down this journey 

Looking deep inside 

Down some steps, through some doors 

Till I reached a point 

Where was a storm dark and deep 

Raging turmoil and turbulence too

And as it rose to play the crescendo 

A stillness suddenly came through 

Into it I stepped with some apprehension

Letting go of my own hand

I plunged into the darkness - I felt myself fall 

Only to be saved by love and joy 

Held safe by Truth and bliss 

I let go of all I knew before 

Feeling my whole being expand 

Into the vastness of the universe 

And then came the Big Bang 

From the center of this boundless being 

As if a new day dawned 

Made out of hope, shaped by grace 

A new me was born 

Dancing to the tune of my own music 

My heart jumped a beat 

As I skipped down the road back home 

I knew I was whole, my journey complete!

The Hill of Shiva

The Ramana Maharishi ashram lies at the foot of the Arunachala hills, where Bhagwan, as he is fondly called by his followers, lived, meditated and left his legacy - a path to self realisation and an answer to the question “Who am I”. His path is that of self inquiry and discernment. I’ve still to read this books to figure out what exactly his teachings were. 

We got there after a 4 hour drive from Chennai - just at the point where the highway ends and you turn left to go into the smaller roads leading to the ashram, we stopped for the most mouth melting masala dosa ever! This is actually right where the amazing smooth highway ends and about 2 hours of turning, under construction and bumpiness starts. As soon as you enter the ashram there is a large tree situated right in the centre. This is where Bhagwan used to sit. People - sadhus, goras alike -  were hugging, touching, talking to the tree - we felt right at home!

The ashram accommodation is managed by Dr. Murthy - and embodiment of stillness, yet filled with wisdom and gentleness. Its almost impossible to get bookings during between a local festival that is sometime in early dec and Mahashivratri (Feb). Please book in advance and have the email available to show your confirmation. They do check. The accommodation is excellent. The rooms are clean, cosy with attached bathrooms. We checked in, and headed straight to the ashram to start our 14 or 16 or 17 km walk (each person we met gave us a new longer number!) This is called the Giri Pradakshina. Details of what this means are available on the ashram website, but a short local version is the washing away of past 14 years of karma and the clearing of the next 14. 

What an incredible walk! You sense the denseness of the energy, the pulsating of it going through you and sometimes the heady heaviness causes you to walk in silence, unable to even think. In certain areas, you feel Shiva’s presence so strongly - its the same energy that i’ve felt in hearings and attunements just magnified and intensified until its numbing. I was actually giving my lower body reiki thorough a large part of this walk. In intervals, I noticed that only karuna symbols were flowing and even if i tried, no usui symbols would come out - in a moment a shakti temple would appear on the path. This happened more that once. Apparently you are supposed to visit the smaller temples - there are 9 or 14 special annamalai temples amidst the many many small temples and shrines placed at every 100 metres. Thats for next time. There’s fruit, coconut water and fruit and small shops with food available along the way. The only problem is that in spite of there being toilets every couple of kms, not a single one was open or available to use. I’m not sure why this is, its not very friendly. 

The walk ends at the main Arunachaleshar temple situated in the midst of the city area. We got there at 8.45 just in time for the closing aarti at both the shiv and the parvati temples. Again intense, powerful energies, but unfortunately the priests tried to scam us for money and kept asking us for Dakshina and special pujas. I could feel all my chakras buzzing in the inner shrine where the shivling is - however in the parvati temple, i knew that the energy burst through my back heart. 

A large part of the next day was just spent at the Ramana Ashram. We walked around, ate the most amazing food for lunch there - i don’t know what they put in their food, but the sambhar and rice is actually divine.  As you move further and further into the ashrams - from the outer room (where Bhagwan’s mothers samadhi is), to the main meditation hall and then further into the room where Bhagwan meditated - you feel like you’re taken over by a numbing, yet calming force. You’re fully here but still not fully here. I remember there were railings into the inner temple and i couldn’t really see them - they were hazy, i actually had to touch them to figure where they were. We spent almost a couple of hours in the meditation rooms… we watched the young pujaris, including little boys who were about 6-7 years old, recite mantras while they washed and worshipped the linga in the meditation hall in resounding unison. 

The Travellers

The next morning we were supposed to go up to the Virupaksha cave - the cave where Bhagwan meditated; it’s supposed to vibrate with the frequency of Om. It was a very testing morning since my lower back gave way, and my legs were shaking when i woke up. Lots of thoughts encouraging me to give up, but there was no way that i was going to not make it up there. Somewhere along the way, i was even told to stop giving myself reiki and that i would be taken care of and to just look around at everything that was beautiful, take pictures like i normally do and enjoy the journey. To focus on the path and the process and not the hardship and inner reservations. So i did. :) the thought of it brings tears to my eyes because i know it was more than just a walk to a cave. it was a metaphor for the journey of life. Our weaknesses are brought out and magnified so that we can see them and over come them, and not to be defeated by them, always keeping the goal in mind. And to enjoy the journey and the process inspire and despite everything…

We had a guide, a friend, a lover of Bhagwan and a young man who plans to spend his life around the ashram. Vicky (for short) has been connected with the ashram since he was a teenager. He comes to the ashram daily, and even during his college days would take every possible trip down here weekly to be in this energy. During Shivratri, he goes up to the mountain top with other sadhus and they meditate for three days surrounded by all the wild animals that come to soak in and watch the magic. 

The View of the Temple from the walk up the hill

A closer view

The cave is incredible. Vibrating with energy. i was unable to keep my eyes open, or stop the tears from rolling down. i honestly don’t have any memory of what happened in there  - but what i do remember is that it was intense, and i was guided to literally do a char-dham meditation in all four corners of the ling in the cave. On the way down, i stopped for a moment to take a breather - and closed my eyes and stood, a woman came unto me, took my hand, kissed it, smiled and walked away. 

The Path

The Destination

The intensity of the Ramana experience actually begins to show its effect after coming back home. For the next week or so, i was raging mad. Annoyed, irritable and almost violent with rage. And i have no idea why. Thats the cleanse - a deep inner churning. Its been about two months now and the rage has settled a long time ago, but I’m ready to go back. I feel the calling of the cave already. 

The Right Time

Someday when I'm ready 

When the tides flow my way

And when the winds blow my sails in the right direction 

When I've lived my life to the fullest 

Traveled the seas and traversed the sands 

Mingled with the life underwater 

Stared in awe at its roaring presence on land 

I'll spend a moment to think about where this came from 

Who made the landscape of such vivid colours 

And who made the colours of the rainbow 

Who made me so that could see the many hues

Not only above but even in the shiny waters 

Who made the sky, the stars and the seas 

The winds that blow in my hair 

The drops that fall upon my eyelids 

You, and all the love you bring to my life 

The love I feel like a storm in my heart 

With the power to make me move a mountain 

And the sweet urge to hold you in my arms 

Where did that love begin? 

How could that have been anything but divine 

I may not need to wait any longer 

For in your eyes I can see His wonder 

The magic of life entwined all around us

I think I found my answer already 

I just needed to believe I was ready... 

My Tryst with Vipassana

I had gone into vipassana with a lot of hesitation and fear. Almost like it was a punishment that I had to suffer through, especially since people had told me stories of how you go crazy and the silence is really hard to maintain. It was actually quite the opposite. 

First about the technique itself and how it's taught - the method and the gradual build up make it really powerful - you first learn to focus and observe and work with your mind before going into the actual technique. It's testing both physically and mentally, but the beauty is that in the daily discourses Goenkaji actually tells you what is going on inside of you - scientifically(?!) as well as in Buddhas experience of it. Through the discourses he explains how Buddha used this technique to gain enlightenment - transcending all suffering that arises from ignorance - the attachment of craving and the displeasure of aversions. We feel both craving and aversions in our lives without realising that these are both impermanent. This causes us to build more Sanskaras and each time we react we deepen the Sanskaras, creating karma. Vipassana teaches you to use your own body's sensations and by maintaining equanimity towards both the good and the bad sensations, to slowly slowly get rid of our sankaras created and carried over lifetimes. As you slowly maintain equanimity toward to the pleasurable feeling during the light floating vibrations as well as the physically testing pains of sitting still without movement for an hour, you realise that both pass, both are transient and you just observe without reaction. You instead observe, analyse and inspect the pain with complete equanimity. Therefore a good meditation isn't one where you feel good and light, but one where you observe with full awareness (vipassana actually means seeing things as they are) and maintaining complete equanimity.  Slowly this becomes the way to live your life as well. 

He also explains the relationship between our senses (body) and the mind and the outside world and how by using vipassana and realising the Truth of phenomenon, Buddha was able to free himself from karma, and therefore the cycle of life and death.  (It's quite beautiful and I don't want to kill it for anyone who wants to go - so will not go into details)

Since I've been to tushita and kept silence before,it didn't bother me too much. Having Gopika around was tempting - we smiled maybe twice and I broke silence once only to tell her on the second day that it's too small a place to avoid each other. After that till the last day, we would be next to each other, head down, and it really wasn't a problem. 

The silence actually helps you to stay with yourself. I think a lot and almost in all my alone time live in a land of fantasy. I observed this behaviour pattern play itself out and hopefully have left it behind. 

Lots of dreams, inner children (that I did chat with), memories came up - healed hopefully! 

My test was the noise. The Pune riverside center is surrounded by a really party village with no loudspeaker laws. All night they'd have something going on and 6 nights I had almost no sleep. I finally went to the guruji and told him that instead of dropping attachments I was adding on more every night from crying and frustration from this sound (it was even Hindi or English music that I could understand or hum) - he told me to simply practice in bed before sleep and see what happens. The first time I did that I felt like my body was floating about a foot above me and wasn't really physical anymore. It was a layer of vibrations. I'm not even sure if there was any music after that! According to Goenkaji in one of the discourses, this experience is that of the true nature of matter. As science now knows, we are all energy, the physical form is of denser particles and we can only "know" this by true self experience - this was what I was experiencing.  Vipassana is supposed to be the tool to experience the true nature of life at the level of self, and therefore making it a personally realised truth - the only way to moving toward enlightenment. 

Not eating cereal was hard (I was on a restricted diet for other reasons including testing my will power) cause the food looked so good! But I think it served me well cause I found a determination that I didn't think I still had. I think I've gained some perspective about my own minds thought  and behaviour patterns - almost as if I was observing it from the outside.  My mind isn't racing anymore and I haven't moved into fantasy land even once in the last 3 days even when I've been completely bored. When I do start, I'm able to recognise it immediately and use the technique to come back completely into the present. 

I still have a backache which I developed there but it's ebbing. Our Sanskaras come out as pains and as we maintain equanimity toward them they start to go away. By not reacting anymore we don't create new ones, and then the old stored ones come out. Slowly slowly we release them one by one... one step closer to nirvana :)

Sound of Silence

These lines have been inspired by my vipassna experience. They do not reflect or speak of the technique or it's principles and philosophy, just of my experience. 

The sound of silence has a hum

It beats with your heart along a strum 

Sometimes a whisper, sometimes a drum 

The sound of silence has a tick tock

Moment to moment you hear only the clock 

Brings in the peace as life's cradle does rock

The sound of silence has a step 

It moves along with the rise of each breath 

Only to part at the time of death

The sound of silence is your best friend 

To tame the monkey your mind is, it's ways to mend

To not race, to waver, to fly into fantasy, as it usually tends 

The sound of silence has a wave 

As into your mind the pathways you pave 

Into the treasures where deep secrets are saved 

The sound of silence is where it all begins

Before the noise, the hum of silence rings 

And then starts the final ending...

Just for This Moment

Just for this moment
I will not anger
I will instead allow myself
To feel deep compassion and gratitude
For bringing you into my life
With your constant poke and all your strife 

Just for this moment
I will not worry
I will enjoy this sunrise, soak in the sunset
And know that everything will come up eventually to rise
And deep down, it's only but a moment's strive

Just for this moment
I know not how
Life will turn out to be eventually
So I choose this moment
With all it's glory
For that's only all that I can truly ever know


Just for this moment I choose myself
I choose to love and to care
To see myself in my own light
To feel my greatness beyond compare

Just for this moment
I will acknowledge You
And love You, know you're always there
Let my life lay surrendered in your lap
Knowing only you know of my very next moment