Equanimous

The oceans swell

The winds blow 

Fierce, soft, stormy 

All at the same time 

And I swoosh and sway

Unable to stay

Equanimous 

Sometimes to the right 

Sometimes I’m more leftist 

Always, on one side or the other 

Two sides of the same coin 

Alluding of the duality

That makes this reality 

That makes me react 

To this and to that 

And I struggle to be

Equanimous 

I get sucked in 

I get pulled in 

I loose track of the awareness 

That I am not this stir within 

Or without 

The fire  burns in my heart 

Both hot and cold

Disrupting and erupting 

Unable to hold still and remain 

Equanimous 

This strife 

This struggle 

This holding on and letting go 

Cycle after cycle 

Keeping me away from Me

Muddled in obscurity 

Till the lens of the veil lifts 

And there’s nothing after all 

No action, no reaction 

Just a flow of endless being 

And I become who I always am

Equanimous 

War

 

The Great War of our times
Is the one that wages within
With me fighting myself
Neither winning
The voices of good and evil
Thundering in my head
As the devil and the saint
Befuddle my intellect
I want to run away
To a land of peace and joy
I can’t seem to get away -
From me - how can I?

The war rages on and on
Till I stop, and sit in silence
Hearing desire lure the heart
While righteousness sternly grips the mind
The man within bends from his burdens
As the little child wants to jump with joy
Passion wants to fire the belly
While caution pulls back and demands patience
The sea calls out, the mountain tops sing
The city lures with her shiny things
Love beckons with a promise of happiness forever
While the arrows of betrayal still poke and sting

I hold my breath till I sense nothing
Only peace, a quiet stillness
In that moment of illumination
Light falls upon each shadow
Revealing there’s nothing more to fight
As the mind slowly ceases to try to win
I let go, and let it flow
Into His ocean, as I swim
I end the war, the war within

Rainy Days

Be practical, I was told 

A long life lies ahead that 

That needs money, security, a solid foundation 

No time to dance, no time to play

All of this won’t give you anything for the rainy day 

Sigh, oh sigh - these rainy days

When all I want to do is dance and play 

Splash the water with my feet 

And wet my chappals and splutter 

The muddy muck  from the urban river 

Onto your clean dry white canvas 

Does growing up mean I have to watch 

Little children from my window 

While I drink tea and eat the bhajiya 

And they live and jump, completely free

As the raindrops wet their little faces 

And light their hearts with such glee 

Oh what is this so called practicality 

When I was born to live completely free

Free from the bondages of what Ive been told 

Of the mirrors of the past and the dreams of a future

So secure that I can’t break past

The tight  ropes that tie me to this cast 

This mould of who I’m supposed to be

Oh when, when, can I just be me 

This rain, when it comes down in its glory 

Brightening up my sunniest days 

With pregnant clouds, thunder and deep, dark skies 

Giving life to every sentient being 

I leave my comfort - I come to dance with thee

Set me free, set me free

Alive

 

You could be alive, yet dead inside

Your coffers could be filled with the rarest of them gems

And yet your heart, as empty as them pens

With no ink to write another story

 Your life could be surrounded by people of name

Your home filled with the whose who of fame

Yet your heart could not have one it could call

To share your happiness, your sadness, your rise, your fall

You could be alive, yet dead inside

You could wake up, and yet never rise

To embrace life, to live it for each moment

Open your eyes, your soul awaits

Not for you to watch the movies others make

To be moved by their tales of adventure

But to write your own, to traverse the unknown 

To walk up the mountain that seems too high

To follow your heart - sing your own song

Break bread with strangers, sit by a fire as you stay warm

This is the heat that keeps Spirit moving on…

You could be alive, yet dead inside

If you don’t wake up, and finally rise. 

Proof of a God

Someone put this up today. And stirred a fire in my belly. I reacted with words that offered no console, and no proof. I undid all my reactions and then thought of the struggle that our personalities go through - a struggle of faith - and we then label this personality as atheist,  agnostic, non-believer and worse of all, scientist. 

Let's work with atheist. If you ask science or religion or anyone else for proof of the existence of a God then know that you can't be atheist. Your at best agnostic for lack of a better word. Unfortunately, and much to your despair, by the mere fact that you question and ask, you leave place for doubt. And that's shifts your belief completely, creating the space for a chance that you may find your answer. 

Unfortunately, those that believe that science or religion will provide that answer will be left empty handed. Science can only work with what the physical senses can acknowledge and further to that, with machines that can capture the intricacies of what we cannot perceive with the outwardly senses. And that's why we know what protons and neutrons are, and how the amoeba and our DNA are structured. 

Science cannot prove the existence of love. Yet, conditional or unconditional, we all feel love. If not for our partners, for our pets and children. Respect, separate from love. And each of these emotions are all real cause we feel them. Inside of ourselves. Within our souls, maybe? ;)

Religion on the other hand has banned science from the exploration of all things esoteric. The mystical ways of the world are matters of the church and not of science. Historically, we know that religion has been used by most clergy, whether the church or the Brahmin caste, to control masses, to create fear, and in that to create the greatest gap between people and their individual relationship with God. Leading people to believe that somehow only through realised beings such as the clergy themselves, can God speak and connect. Therefore should and can religion be trusted with the burden of proof? 

An agnostic has hope. He awaits that somehow religion or science or whoever it might be will come up with an answer to this existential question: is there a God? And how can we prove that? 

Before Newton discovered Gravity, there was gravity. It existed every day, and every moment. Yet only when he actually investigated it, and looked for the many ways that it influenced life, did he put a name and number to it. That's science.The forces of nature, the forces of life, all continue to exist and evolve whether science understands or accepts them. Science is an aftermath. 

Let your journey to find God be the same. The burden of proof lies with you and not with science or religion. Whether you look for a form outside of yourself or find the Divinity within, or just look at the magic around you in each moment, with each breath you take, when you feel love, hope, or the lack of it, ask God to show you. When you leave the proof of burden on God, and wait for your very own miracle, it'll happen. Another great scientist said, "Coincidences are Gods way of remaining anonymous." 

Goodbye

I don't want to deal with my past
It forever seems to last
Unforgiving and torturous
Bringing out memories I want to run from
People I want to hide from
So they don't see me and I don't have to deal
With the realities of who I was
But this is who I've come to be
Stronger, smarter, and understanding of me
Still there lies this underlying fear
That I don't really want to see
The who I was before I became me

There's a deep sense of discomfort
And a fear if the cycle were to repeat
The shame, guilt, hurt and anger
Would once again take the drivers seat
What if the car drove off the smooth highway
Back into the by lanes of despair
Coming face to face with the shadows of darkness
With memories of yesterday
Mirrors to show you your weaknesses
Forever waiting to bring you down
Cause they don't know you along this journey
They haven't seen you move along

They believe that you're still the same
For that's all the naked eye can see
The same body, hair, voice and sound
The same reflection of what they knew to be
It takes one moment of their chatter
To shatter your newly built up walls
That keep away the patterns of pain
That keep out the Criticism,  the judgement, the gossip and all
What's the point of revisiting 'old times'?
What's the point of 'for memories sake'?
When people don't grow with you forward
When they hold you back instead of let you leap

Its time to say good bye for now
Until we meet at a new curve
Where there is no expectation or assumption
Where relationships start from scratch over
And maybe we won't cross paths again
That too would serve us right
For our times together have come to an end
Maybe that's all our pact was for
I wish you farewell, I wish you luck
And I let go today, oh dear old friend.

Choices: Black, White & Grey. Is there really a Grey choice?

Many years ago, in DDLJ, Raj Malhotra tells a hassled Simran that his mother used to say, "Beta, zindagi ke har mod pe tumhe do raste milenge ek galat aur ek sahi. Galat rasta asaan hoga, tumhe apni taraf kheenchega. Aur jo sahi rasta hoga, ho sakta hai usmein tumhe kadi mushkilon ka samna karna pade, bahut taklif mile; par yaad rakhna akhir mein jeet tumhari hi hogi."

So true. Life throws us daily curveballs. Which way we choose to dodge them, catch them or throw them back is a choice we make. Life is full of choices and not making a choice is also a choice. 

I've spent a lot of time discussing other peoples lives and circumstances and while each situation, person, journey is unique the choices are often the same - between right and wrong, between good or bad, between black or white. Add some justifications, circumstantial situations, ifs and buts to the mix and suddenly there's a rainbow of greys. But are these really greys or are they just blacks disguised by our own misgivings which we refuse to see with our own eyes? 

Often burdened with fear or anger, driven by guilt or revenge, we choose to choose that which isn't best for ourselves but what we believe someone else deserves. And then we justify it - so having an affair because your husband does'nt love you is ok; hating and abusing your boss because she is mean to you is justifiable; eating a kilo of chips fills up a vacuum because you are depressed is acceptable; even staying married to a man who is with someone else for ensuring his torture is deemed as reasonable! 

Your inner compass can tell you whether what you're doing is good or bad. Your body will send you messages to let you know whether something your doing feels good or bad. Your conscience knows the difference between right and wrong. With the greys, the case is almost similar - you just know. And life somehow sends you the same situation, in many different forms, until you lift the veil off your eyes and pick what's true for you.

The lesson is simple. There ain't any greys. There's a black and a white. And then there's your choice. No one said it was going to be easy. You just know it'll always be worth it.