Non-Sense

You don’t understand, for you cannot see

The world beyond the ordinary 

Of fairies, of pixies, of devas in trees

Of the deep jungles that hold the mysteries 

Of the crystal fountains that give breath and life 

You don’t understand, for you cannot hear 

The HAM of the universe 

Of shiv, of parvati 

Of the heart beating and pulsating 

As they dance to the rhythm of the songs beyond 

You don’t understand, for you cannot feel 

The winds speaking as they touch your body

The vibration of life making its way thru every fabric of creation 

Yet you breathe, ye know not what 

You don’t understand, for you cannot smell 

The sweet fragrance of her blessings 

His omnipotent Presence 

In each flower that beholds His unique imprint 

You don’t understand, and you never will 

Until you close your eyes and mind 

And open your heart to that what lies 

Beyond this world of struggle and strife 

There in the midst of the field of chaos

Magick awaits; some call it theos 

You wear your straight jacket, and ease it’s crease 

And ignore the wave of the sweet breeze 

You call me crazy, strange at best 

As I sit down and want to rest 

Lost in the world of imagination 

Of magick and of creation 

Of fairies and pixies and those little playful elves 

Surrender in COVID-19

On March 24, the Prime Minister announced a 21 day lockdown. The next day was my mothers birthday and I decided to go to my parents home for a couple of days before I came back to the sanctity and quiet of my own home for the rest of the lockdown.

Today is May 13, and I still haven't gone back to my own house, for many reasons. However this post is not about those reasons, but is about an inner journey from the despair and anguish i started with, to a state of peace and flow.

In the first few weeks, there was so much resistance. The world had gone mad. Every where people were panicking and trying to comprehend what had just hit us. This was a suspended reality - a chasm between what "normal life" was and an unknown future of what it's going to be.

And that's what anxiety is - a feeling of uncertainty for what will happen in the future.  And was I scared - every single plan I had made for my immediate future, had in one moment crashed and landed into many little pieces. I had just moved into my own home - and with that moved forward into a phase of my life filled with excitement. It was gone! Not only did I lose hope, but there was a massive burden that I had undertaken - RENT! Without being able to work (my teaching work needs me to initiate people in the physical body) - how would  I pay rent for an apartment I was not even living in?!

First, came all the anger at the unfairness of the situation.  Yes, I was grateful that I was with family, but the whole point of moving out was to be on my own, and here i was back to where i started. That was just not fair!

Then came the sadness and grief as I realised what I was really angry about - unfulfilled dreams and shattered expectations. I was in mourning, but not for "real" things, but what seemed like a lost opportunity, a stolen dream, and what looked like a bleak, uncertain future over which I had absolutely no control.

When the mourning period ended, I realised I needed to embrace the current moment. The future could be anything! and what I was actually mourning was MY idea what I thought it would be. And that wasn't even real, even though my emotion was. This is what Buddha referred to as suffering, which only comes because of attachment. What was real was, that here I was, with my family, and my laptop, and with no access to my house. And what was I going to do?

I stopped fighting and spent every day trying to stay in the present moment. Meditation, self-healing, awareness - all of it helped. But what helped the most was dropping the resistance to accept the situation, exactly as it is, for what it is, without any emotional drama. Acceptance followed with much more ease as I started living day to day, just for that very day.

I started telling myself that I will first handle today, and do what I can today, and when the month end arrives, I'll see then, on that day, what to do. I started to look for ways to create work for myself. As soon as I opened the internal door, the universe responded. By the end of the month, I had made enough to pay my rent.

Even today, every time I think about two months from today, or even two weeks from today, or even two days from today, my head goes into a tizzy. Because my mind cannot possibly fathom with certainty what the future will look like, I feel a sense of lack of control and my friend, the anxious little weasel starts to pop its head out.

So I stopped wondering. I stopped engaging in conversations that were driven by fear and were based in randomly chatting about the state of affairs and the future. I started changing my meditations to more awareness and mindful practices. I started deep breathing and praying. I started to surrender, which in my case was simply learning to accept this moment for what is is, fully and completely, without fighting with myself, God or the Universe.

These are my lemons. 

Surrender means - make lemonade.  

Ready

Standing here 

I see the valley below

The hill behind me

And I wonder

How it came to be

That I climbed up this slope

And didn't even know

When you held my hand

And took over...

I'm ready to plunge

Straight down below 

Into the depth 

Into the hole

I'm ready to go 

I look up at the sky

And see the sun shinning

Never misses a day 

To tell me you're around

Never misses a morning
To spread your light 

Until the stars glitter with joy 

Bringing the sweet night 

I'm ready to to fly 

Into the height

And soar up above 

Feel your might 

I'm ready to soar 

I look in my heart

And see you inside 

I feel your sweet love

My spirit rejoice 

There's not another moment

Of loneliness now

No fear, no pain 

No sorrow around 

I'm ready to love 

Baba.. So ready to love 

Give myself to you

Until we become one 

I'm so ready to love

I'm Ready to love... again 

In Silence

In silence I stand 

With my head bowed

To receive your blessings 

To note your orders 

And to offer myself in forgiveness 

In silence I walk 

Following your will

With my heart open 

To your grace 

With no questions of where to this path will lead 

In silence I think

Of you 

And of your love - omnipresent 

Your face giving life to every cell in my being 

And I feel you within me

In silence I breathe 

My breath - your breath 

As I merge into you

And become nothing, and everything

All at once 

In Silence I seek you,

and find you...

For real things are only given and received - 

In silence 

I take Your Name

I let myself fall

Stumble, roll and hit the prickly shrubs 

I may bleed a little and it may hurt

And I take your name, 

Stand 

Clinch my eyes as I remove the thorns 

And I take your name 

And brush the dirt on my elbows and knees 

And I take your name 

And gently dab the blood 

That stays still, dry, cracked, stuck in the scratches 

I move on... 

I come to a bridge

And I look at it 

A mighty gush of water hitting the sharp rocks below 

The unsteady rope and wood luring me 

Into what could possibly be another adventure 

Or not?

Waiting - on the other side 

But what if I fall, yet again? 

The heart races as the mind calculates the danger 

The palms sweat as the heart pelts it's warning to me

Then I take your name 

And see you in each heart beat 

I see you waiting for me under 

To hold me when I trip

I see you waiting on the other side 

To hold my hand 

As you lead me 

Onward into my next journey 

And I take your name

With each breath - 

And I take a step forward... 

A Sign

Give me a sign

Show me something 

While I despair 

Not knowing how to make sense of things 

How to move forward 

Where I'm heading 

If anywhere at all

Where I'm meant to be

If somewhere, after all

Let me know that you're watching 

Give me just a clue

Make a sound that I can hear

Even though I may not always listen 

A way to break away from this roundabout

Into a possible direction 

Head closer to you 

Flow into your bounty 

Through the never ending sands 

That I walk in now 

No map, no route - 

Make the sun rise 

Shine into my eyes this morning 

So I can find East

Point out West from where it sets

Arms stretched I make head into North 

I see the star 

Everyday 

Walking before me

The moon by my side 

I still don't notice that these are the signs 

Rays of hope come into my life 

Every morning 

I only see the alarm clock tick by

Snooze for just ten more minutes... 

As I lay at night I draw my blinds 

Oblivious to the ever present bright North light 

I just don't have a clue 

Because I wasn't able to find - 

You - 

In everything from morn to night 

He

He lays down the path 

He sets you free

To follow your heart 

To chase your dream 

You fall sometimes 

He picks you up 

Heals the pain

Nurses your wounds 

You get lost a little 

Stray off into the woods 

Arms open He waits patiently 

Then welcomes you home 

He appears as a bandit 

To rob you off everything 

Until you know you have it all

When He's living in your heart 

He appears as the lover 

Testing you, Seducing you

To see how you really feel 

And what you truly hold dear 

He raises the bar too 

Just a little bit higher each time

So you can surrender to his will 

And reach the infinite skies 

He tests your faith, your perseverance 

Your will, your determination

In the end he only wants your love

For in that love you find yourself, as him, complete 

The Journey

When I left home yesterday 

I was incomplete 

Not because I had left something behind 

But I knew that something was just missing 

I just hadn't uncovered yet 

Parts of me that existed 

Didn't know who I really was 

Or how to even define 

What really went on inside of me 

What was going on in my mind 

Then I went down this journey 

Looking deep inside 

Down some steps, through some doors 

Till I reached a point 

Where was a storm dark and deep 

Raging turmoil and turbulence too

And as it rose to play the crescendo 

A stillness suddenly came through 

Into it I stepped with some apprehension

Letting go of my own hand

I plunged into the darkness - I felt myself fall 

Only to be saved by love and joy 

Held safe by Truth and bliss 

I let go of all I knew before 

Feeling my whole being expand 

Into the vastness of the universe 

And then came the Big Bang 

From the center of this boundless being 

As if a new day dawned 

Made out of hope, shaped by grace 

A new me was born 

Dancing to the tune of my own music 

My heart jumped a beat 

As I skipped down the road back home 

I knew I was whole, my journey complete!

Just for This Moment

Just for this moment
I will not anger
I will instead allow myself
To feel deep compassion and gratitude
For bringing you into my life
With your constant poke and all your strife 

Just for this moment
I will not worry
I will enjoy this sunrise, soak in the sunset
And know that everything will come up eventually to rise
And deep down, it's only but a moment's strive

Just for this moment
I know not how
Life will turn out to be eventually
So I choose this moment
With all it's glory
For that's only all that I can truly ever know


Just for this moment I choose myself
I choose to love and to care
To see myself in my own light
To feel my greatness beyond compare

Just for this moment
I will acknowledge You
And love You, know you're always there
Let my life lay surrendered in your lap
Knowing only you know of my very next moment 

In You I Have Found...

This poem was written on Guru Purnima and while I truly thank all my gurus, this one is dedicated to Rukhs, my reiki teacher. With love.

In You I have found....

.. My direction
For I was going  no where
And you showed me a way
You still hold my hand
And help me to stay
On a Path of love
Of grace and of joy
On a road less travelled
And you tell me why

... Myself
For I didn't know who I was
When I first came to you
Lost and confused
Unable to think too
You taught me to love myself
You showed me how
You told me I could grow wings and fly
You still make me push and plough

... My faith
For I didn't have anything to believe in
At best I was agnostic
In only a few moments of your touch
The world became fantastic
Surrounded by divinity in your presence
I found myself in touch with god
You may only be the bamboo if you insist
You're actually His lightning rod

... My teacher
For I was looking for a guru
Not just for a healing or for Bach
In you I found so much more
While only doing reiki for a lark
An ocean  of compassion and patience
For questions, tears, tales and talk
A guide, a friend, a teacher, a mentor,
An example of love above it all

Proof of a God

Someone put this up today. And stirred a fire in my belly. I reacted with words that offered no console, and no proof. I undid all my reactions and then thought of the struggle that our personalities go through - a struggle of faith - and we then label this personality as atheist,  agnostic, non-believer and worse of all, scientist. 

Let's work with atheist. If you ask science or religion or anyone else for proof of the existence of a God then know that you can't be atheist. Your at best agnostic for lack of a better word. Unfortunately, and much to your despair, by the mere fact that you question and ask, you leave place for doubt. And that's shifts your belief completely, creating the space for a chance that you may find your answer. 

Unfortunately, those that believe that science or religion will provide that answer will be left empty handed. Science can only work with what the physical senses can acknowledge and further to that, with machines that can capture the intricacies of what we cannot perceive with the outwardly senses. And that's why we know what protons and neutrons are, and how the amoeba and our DNA are structured. 

Science cannot prove the existence of love. Yet, conditional or unconditional, we all feel love. If not for our partners, for our pets and children. Respect, separate from love. And each of these emotions are all real cause we feel them. Inside of ourselves. Within our souls, maybe? ;)

Religion on the other hand has banned science from the exploration of all things esoteric. The mystical ways of the world are matters of the church and not of science. Historically, we know that religion has been used by most clergy, whether the church or the Brahmin caste, to control masses, to create fear, and in that to create the greatest gap between people and their individual relationship with God. Leading people to believe that somehow only through realised beings such as the clergy themselves, can God speak and connect. Therefore should and can religion be trusted with the burden of proof? 

An agnostic has hope. He awaits that somehow religion or science or whoever it might be will come up with an answer to this existential question: is there a God? And how can we prove that? 

Before Newton discovered Gravity, there was gravity. It existed every day, and every moment. Yet only when he actually investigated it, and looked for the many ways that it influenced life, did he put a name and number to it. That's science.The forces of nature, the forces of life, all continue to exist and evolve whether science understands or accepts them. Science is an aftermath. 

Let your journey to find God be the same. The burden of proof lies with you and not with science or religion. Whether you look for a form outside of yourself or find the Divinity within, or just look at the magic around you in each moment, with each breath you take, when you feel love, hope, or the lack of it, ask God to show you. When you leave the proof of burden on God, and wait for your very own miracle, it'll happen. Another great scientist said, "Coincidences are Gods way of remaining anonymous." 

What the flowers taught me

One Sunday morning while walking the street
I bought myself a few petals and leaves
Gorgeous sun struck flowers in full bloom
Pretty pink and purple and yellow
Repotted, decorated, watered and pruned
Placed them nicely along the sides of my room

A few days went by and the the bloom withered
I hovered constantly to look for the new
Making sure they're more flowers waiting to blossom
And it's not my home from which they withdrew
And they bloomed, but not as I hoped
And sure enough with wither I barely coped

Why would they not be glorious and flourish
What it that they needed more
To line my room with their beauty
Almost as if it were they're duty
Why would they blacken and die
Wrinkle, crinkle, fallen they lie...

Just watching them live their natural cycle
Teaches you how ephemeral life really is
And that it's forever if you really believe
It's not for death that you need to grieve
I watched them come and go each day
I couldn't make them forever stay

Trust in the cycles of the universe
For this was exactly the way it was meant to be
Timed perfect, according to plan
When the sun rose, when the day began
I could want more flowers, but they didn't come
Until they were ready, pink and purple ones

Bloom each day as if it were your last
Bring joy and happiness to each one you meet
You don't need words to shine your grace
It shows on each petal, each flower, each face
Look for the color amidst the twinnings
There in lies your silver lining!

The Five Life Essentials to Live By

To live each day to its fullest

To take life by it's horns 

To sleep each night with a content heart 

After a day of work has gone 

With peace as if it were the very end 

And knowing tomorrow it starts again... 

When you think about living each day of your life to the very fullest, look out for a way to imbibe these five essential factors into your life. 

1. Physical health 

One can't ever stress enough on how important it is to be physically healthy, fit and strong. Not only to look good, to feel attractive, to love yourself, but this body was given to you with the purpose of staying with you through this lifetime. Catering to it's true nature and needs is one of the core responsibilities and the least we owe ourselves. None of the other parts of your life - people, work, money - will matter of you don't love, nourish and care for your physical self. 

2. Mental and emotional health 

Can't stress on this enough! With more than enough proof that physical health depends on the state of emotions, taking care of this aspect of our personalities becomes a priority. Not just the new age management of stress, but a constant dose of care for the emotional well being - with lots of self love, loving and harmonious relationships, the presence of peace and joy in all aspects of life. You can't avoid conflict, but you can spend this lifetime learning to deal with conflict with the greatest possible wisdom. 

Your mental well being and stimulation keeps you young and alive. Explore, question and retain that child like curiosity you were born with. Make clear decisions and stick with them. Play, engage, create. Balance the two sides of your brain - create and hone your intuition, while keeping logic and reasoning alive. 

3. A purpose 

Without a single minded purpose, you can spend your life walking aimlessly through a fog. This doesn't mean that you will know what you were meant to do the day you were born. A sense of purpose gives you the will to live, and something to wake up for every morning. 

This doesn't mean that if you don't know your purpose, your life is wasted! It simply means that at this point finding the purpose of your life is your everyday purpose. 

You were not created to wake up, sleep and die. You were created to be awesome. You were created to make a difference. Look out for what this purpose is. And follow it through. Learn what life has to teach you while you go about living each day true to your purpose. 

4. Faith 

This is the hardest one to explain. But whether you choose for it to be in God, Source, Light or the Universe, you know that there is a bigger plan at play. Trust implicitly in this plan. Surrender all the requirements of your ego, the need for the outcome of your life to be a certain way. Have faith not only in this source of universal love, but also in yourself, knowing that you live every day of your life fully to the best possible way you know and that you are being taken care of. Even on your bad days. Especially on your bad days. 

5. Love

It seems to make sense that if you followed through with the first four points, love would naturally be part of your life. But this is not the kind of love that you feel for yourself and that makes you care and nourish your body and mind. It's not the love that you feel for friends and family, or for your pets. 

This is the love we come here to learn, that makes us disintegrate all our differences and know that at the beginning and the end of it all we are but one. It's filled with compassion. It's layered with wisdom. It's the love that stays forever, unaffected and unmoved by life itself. Learn to imbibe this love into everything you do and share it with everyone you meet. It's your way to spread light. 

Three Big Words

Big words that aren't so simple to follow
Especially when the insides feel hollow

Surrender they say, u must do
Ok, I said, but to who?
I don't know yet of a god looking out for me
Clearly my life isn't an example of grace, u see
I'm stuck in a rut
I'm fearful in my gut
How do I survive if I have to let go
It would only but cause my anxiety to grow

Forgive, they say, for your heart is blocked
It's the only way to unfold love that's locked
But my life is mess
Only filled with stress
I'm angry at them all
I'm trying to build a wall
So I can't be wronged no more
By family and friends galore
They're seemingly all doing fine
I'm stuck with doing all the cryin'

Gratitude, they say, is an absolute must
Without it, a part of you will rust
But what can I be thankful for
I've only seen pain and been hurt before
My life has been such a no ball
Everyone else I know has it all
When I compare all I see
How it should have turned out for me
How it hasn't and that makes me resent
No thanks do I have left to present

When you ask you will receive

Big words maybe, rather simple to conceive

You don't control, so why try

Let gods hand allow your wings to fly

Limitless possibilities exist beyond your knowing

By holding on, it's only yourself you're slowing

When you surrender, trust and flow

Allow your free will to just let go

An amazing life begins to unfold

You wanted the rainbow, you get a pot of gold!

But if your heart is filled with resentment and hate

How will happiness and joy pile up on your plate

Release shame and guilt and all the blame

They're choices you made, accept the claim

Forgiveness clears the karmic path of debris

Forgive completely to set yourself free!

Thank everyone that came along your way

For lessons you learnt that make you, you today

For joy and laughter, pain and sorrow

More gratitude today brings more grace tomorrow

Thank each experience that you went through

It helped to create a new version of you

Thank god for love from family and friends

With each heart, a prayer he sends

Not so hard do the words seem anymore

Accept, understand, thank and let go!

Mirror Mirror

Mirror mirror on the wall
Who is the fairest of them all?

A little girl eager to please
Making good grades with ease

A sullen teenager working hard
Eating aways at loads of lard

A young heart with a sweet crush
For the first time who feels the love rush

An angry young woman who sees her dad
Abuse his health, her mother and make her sad

A girl who loves her little furry pet
Who hears her out and understands things that no one else can get

A teenager on the brink of losing her mind
Leaves the country for peace and love to find

A woman who sits and retrospects
Staring at life from a ship forever anchored and decked

Mirror mirror on the wall,
Who am I, from these all?

And the wise mirror with great compassion replies
Just like life, to it's disciples' wails and cries

You are but a mix of the shadows you cast
Each one a teacher, not forever to last

Turn Into love and look out for light
As each shadow merges into you, making you bright

You are a being of this unmasked glory
Write a new song, start a new story!