When I started this journey, I was a confused, lost, clinically depressed and very, very angry kind of young woman in her mid 30s. Without going into the greater details of what was wrong with my life, it would suffice to say I was not only unhappy, but very confused about what the point of this miserable existence was… were we all meant to be born, go to school, college, work, marry, have children and die? What was the purpose of a life that was filled with no joy and then why was it so hard to end it even when I thought about it so many times.
At this point I had been to enough counselling sessions, was given many clinical labels but had also refused to get on medication. That was not my journey and I knew that somehow. One morning as I prayed to a god I didn’t believe in, and asked him rather dramatically, that, if you exist, and if you can hear me, send me a clear answer. Show me a path, send me a teacher because I don’t want a book. I want a human being, someone who will hold my hand and help me back on my feet.
That evening, a series of events lead me to my Reiki Level One class in December 2013. Two days before Christmas, when all of the young happy people in the world rejoice in drinking and dancing I started my first 21 day cleanse. That Reiki class changed my life. In that class, I had my first experience and interaction with God.
Nothing before had ever felt true. No one could take away what happened in those few minutes as I sat on the chair and interacted with God and seen that he had heard me, shown up for me and even sent me a teacher. EXACTLY what I had asked. Six years later, as I write this, I realized that I didn’t choose this path. The path chose me. He chose me. He knew I needed this more than anything in the world. No man, no job, no child, not money, house, fame, can give you what a relationship with God can give you. And here’s what it gave me and continues to give me…
The path gives me a reason to live. It helps me see life with perspective. It helps me look at this experience and understand the greater purpose of it. It makes me a nicer person. Let me not fool anyone; I am no saint! But I’m not today the unhappy, miserable, angry person I used to be. I am kinder, not just to others, but to myself too. I am expressive, honest, kind, compassionate and I work hard at trying to be more of those every day. And I fail every day. And I take responsibly for it. And the only thing that keeps me going is the knowing that that is the journey.
I’ve struggled with faith and trust my whole life. And the lack of that makes me a very fearful person. And yet, deep within I’ve started to develop a knowing that it’s all ok. And that He’s got my back. And that even if I was stripped away of everything, no one can take that away from me. And it’s an anchor I live with and struggle with everyday.
I know the final journey is back to God. But a part of me resists that. A whole life of unfulfilled human desires still calls out to me and it would be dishonest and dishonorable of me, to myself to not acknowledge and own that. And then I ask myself if I could choose between the two, and I realize that I cant. It is WHO I AM. It’s not a choice I can make. Its not a choice I made. Its inherent and undeniable.
Many a times it's lonely. Even though I've met the most amazing, loving, supportive people ever along the way. For each one of us, it's a journey we have to take alone. Sometimes it's hard. Because you're not only fighting with your own mind and emotions, but also with a whole system of beliefs of who we are, and what we're supposed to be and do in the world. Because not too many people understand why and what the point is of this path. Not friends, not family. Many view it as my career. But I could be a regular therapist and not a spiritual teacher – and that wouldn’t make any sense to me, because true healing can’t be done without engaging with Spirit.
Spirit is everywhere and is everything. So how can life be lived without that? I see glimpses of his hand in every healing, in every conversation, in flowers, and tress and the ocean, in puppies and dolphins, and in all of those unseen, subtle worlds that make life magic! And Spirit is in the miracle of every new born baby, and in also the death of every person who has suffered from illness and moved onward from this life. Spirit is also in loss, and sadness and broken dreams. Spirit inspires stories, movies, food, beauty, art, music, science - and every act of kindness, every word of love reflects that. So again, how can life be lived without that?
Like every relationship, this relationship with God needs work. It’s also the one relationship where the work is deeply rewarding. It fills me up with joy and happiness and peace in ways that I couldn’t imagine. It inspires me to do more, to care more. And it's not easy. i continue to be a brat and it’s also filled with pain and tears and fights and anger. And then overcoming all of those things, little by little.
I often ask myself even today - what the path is - is it self-empowerment, it is self-improvement, is it service and helping others? And I realized that it’s the journey I walk hand in hand with God - no matter what I was doing, whether I was a chef or a mother or a CEO or a reiki teacher. And that’s the path. That’s my path.
