Possibility

(Received in meditation from Goddess Isis)

Today, she let go

Of everything that she had held onto 

For it was holding her back 

Of everything that had wounded her 

For it was causing her pain 

Of those parts that no longer served her 

For they were those that needed service 

Today, she let go

Of her childhood, and her years away

Of her dreams, and her fantasies, of her hopes 

Of her hate, her anger, of her sorrows, her pain, of her self... 

She let them be transformed 

Back into Light 

Gone forever 

What did she let go of?

Everything

What did she have now?

Nothing 

What did she have now? 

Nothing 

What did she have now? 

Everything 

She opened herself up to new possibility...

Why I chose the spiritual path?

When I started this journey, I was a confused, lost, clinically depressed and very, very angry kind of young woman in her mid 30s.  Without going into the greater details of what was wrong with my life, it would suffice to say I was not only unhappy, but very confused about what the point of this miserable existence was… were we all meant to be born, go to school, college, work, marry, have children and die? What was the purpose of a life that was filled with no joy and then why was it so hard to end it even when I thought about it so many times.

 

At this point I had been to enough counselling sessions, was given many clinical labels but had also refused to get on medication. That was not my journey and I knew that somehow. One morning as I prayed to a god I didn’t believe in, and asked him rather dramatically, that, if you exist, and if you can hear me, send me a clear answer. Show me a path, send me a teacher because I don’t want a book. I want a human being, someone who will hold my hand and help me back on my feet.

 

That evening, a series of events lead me to my Reiki Level One class in December 2013. Two days before Christmas, when all of the young happy people in the world rejoice in drinking and dancing I started my first 21 day cleanse. That Reiki class changed my life. In that class, I had my first experience and interaction with God.

 

Nothing before had ever felt true. No one could take away what happened in those few minutes as I sat on the chair and interacted with God and seen that he had heard me, shown up for me and even sent me  a teacher. EXACTLY what I had asked. Six years later, as I write this, I realized that I didn’t choose this path. The path chose me. He chose me. He knew I needed this more than anything in the world. No man, no job, no child, not money, house, fame, can give you what a relationship with God can give you. And here’s what it gave me and continues to give me…

 

The path gives me a reason to live. It helps me see life with perspective. It helps me look at this experience and understand the greater purpose of it. It makes me a nicer person. Let me not fool anyone; I am no saint! But I’m not today the unhappy, miserable, angry person I used to be. I am kinder, not just to others, but to myself too. I am expressive, honest, kind, compassionate and I work hard at trying to be more of those every day. And I fail every day. And I take responsibly for it. And the only thing that keeps me going is the knowing that that is the journey.

 

I’ve struggled with faith and trust my whole life. And the lack of that makes me a very fearful person. And yet, deep within I’ve started to develop a knowing that it’s all ok. And that He’s got my back. And that even if I was stripped away of everything, no one can take that away from me. And it’s an anchor I live with and struggle with everyday.

 

I know the final journey is back to God. But a part of me resists that. A whole life of unfulfilled human desires still calls out to me and it would be dishonest and dishonorable of me, to myself to not acknowledge  and own that. And then I ask myself if I could choose between the two, and I realize that I cant. It is WHO I AM. It’s not a choice I can make. Its not a choice I made. Its inherent and undeniable.

 

Many a times it's lonely. Even though I've met the most amazing, loving, supportive people ever along the way. For each one of us, it's a journey we have to take alone. Sometimes it's hard. Because you're not only fighting with your own mind and emotions, but also with a whole system of beliefs of who we are, and what we're supposed to be and do in the world. Because not too many people understand why and what the point is of this path. Not friends, not family. Many view it as my career. But I could be a regular therapist and not a spiritual teacher – and that wouldn’t make any sense to me, because true healing can’t be done without engaging with Spirit.

Spirit is everywhere and is everything. So how can life be lived without that? I see glimpses of his hand in every healing, in every conversation, in flowers, and tress and the ocean, in puppies and dolphins, and in all of those unseen, subtle worlds that make life magic! And Spirit is in the miracle of every new born baby, and in also the death of every person who has suffered from illness and moved onward from this life. Spirit is also in loss, and sadness and broken dreams. Spirit inspires stories, movies, food, beauty, art, music, science - and every act of kindness, every word of love reflects that. So again, how can life be lived without that?

 

Like every relationship, this relationship with God needs work. It’s also the one relationship where the work is deeply rewarding. It fills me up with joy and happiness and peace in ways that I couldn’t imagine. It inspires me to do more, to care more. And it's not easy. i continue to be a brat and  it’s also filled with pain and tears and fights and anger. And then overcoming all of those things, little by little.

 

I often ask myself even today - what the path is - is it self-empowerment, it is self-improvement, is it service and helping others? And I realized that it’s the journey I walk hand in hand with God  - no matter what I was doing, whether I was a chef or a mother or a CEO or a reiki teacher. And that’s the path. That’s my path.

Surrender in COVID-19

On March 24, the Prime Minister announced a 21 day lockdown. The next day was my mothers birthday and I decided to go to my parents home for a couple of days before I came back to the sanctity and quiet of my own home for the rest of the lockdown.

Today is May 13, and I still haven't gone back to my own house, for many reasons. However this post is not about those reasons, but is about an inner journey from the despair and anguish i started with, to a state of peace and flow.

In the first few weeks, there was so much resistance. The world had gone mad. Every where people were panicking and trying to comprehend what had just hit us. This was a suspended reality - a chasm between what "normal life" was and an unknown future of what it's going to be.

And that's what anxiety is - a feeling of uncertainty for what will happen in the future.  And was I scared - every single plan I had made for my immediate future, had in one moment crashed and landed into many little pieces. I had just moved into my own home - and with that moved forward into a phase of my life filled with excitement. It was gone! Not only did I lose hope, but there was a massive burden that I had undertaken - RENT! Without being able to work (my teaching work needs me to initiate people in the physical body) - how would  I pay rent for an apartment I was not even living in?!

First, came all the anger at the unfairness of the situation.  Yes, I was grateful that I was with family, but the whole point of moving out was to be on my own, and here i was back to where i started. That was just not fair!

Then came the sadness and grief as I realised what I was really angry about - unfulfilled dreams and shattered expectations. I was in mourning, but not for "real" things, but what seemed like a lost opportunity, a stolen dream, and what looked like a bleak, uncertain future over which I had absolutely no control.

When the mourning period ended, I realised I needed to embrace the current moment. The future could be anything! and what I was actually mourning was MY idea what I thought it would be. And that wasn't even real, even though my emotion was. This is what Buddha referred to as suffering, which only comes because of attachment. What was real was, that here I was, with my family, and my laptop, and with no access to my house. And what was I going to do?

I stopped fighting and spent every day trying to stay in the present moment. Meditation, self-healing, awareness - all of it helped. But what helped the most was dropping the resistance to accept the situation, exactly as it is, for what it is, without any emotional drama. Acceptance followed with much more ease as I started living day to day, just for that very day.

I started telling myself that I will first handle today, and do what I can today, and when the month end arrives, I'll see then, on that day, what to do. I started to look for ways to create work for myself. As soon as I opened the internal door, the universe responded. By the end of the month, I had made enough to pay my rent.

Even today, every time I think about two months from today, or even two weeks from today, or even two days from today, my head goes into a tizzy. Because my mind cannot possibly fathom with certainty what the future will look like, I feel a sense of lack of control and my friend, the anxious little weasel starts to pop its head out.

So I stopped wondering. I stopped engaging in conversations that were driven by fear and were based in randomly chatting about the state of affairs and the future. I started changing my meditations to more awareness and mindful practices. I started deep breathing and praying. I started to surrender, which in my case was simply learning to accept this moment for what is is, fully and completely, without fighting with myself, God or the Universe.

These are my lemons. 

Surrender means - make lemonade.  

The Corona Effect: introspection

What if you forgot what you should,
and focused on what you could
And did everything you would
If you knew it would end all good!

What song would you sing?
What gifts would you bring?
What would you plan for -
Your dream or your family car?

Would you break the perfect mould?
Would you dare to be big and bold?
Would you love without any fear?
What would you really hold dear?

If you haven’t had the time before
Don’t sit and wait by the news anymore
Another lost opportunity to make a shift
Think by now, you’re getting the drift...