Possibility

(Received in meditation from Goddess Isis)

Today, she let go

Of everything that she had held onto 

For it was holding her back 

Of everything that had wounded her 

For it was causing her pain 

Of those parts that no longer served her 

For they were those that needed service 

Today, she let go

Of her childhood, and her years away

Of her dreams, and her fantasies, of her hopes 

Of her hate, her anger, of her sorrows, her pain, of her self... 

She let them be transformed 

Back into Light 

Gone forever 

What did she let go of?

Everything

What did she have now?

Nothing 

What did she have now? 

Nothing 

What did she have now? 

Everything 

She opened herself up to new possibility...

My Tryst with Vipassana

I had gone into vipassana with a lot of hesitation and fear. Almost like it was a punishment that I had to suffer through, especially since people had told me stories of how you go crazy and the silence is really hard to maintain. It was actually quite the opposite. 

First about the technique itself and how it's taught - the method and the gradual build up make it really powerful - you first learn to focus and observe and work with your mind before going into the actual technique. It's testing both physically and mentally, but the beauty is that in the daily discourses Goenkaji actually tells you what is going on inside of you - scientifically(?!) as well as in Buddhas experience of it. Through the discourses he explains how Buddha used this technique to gain enlightenment - transcending all suffering that arises from ignorance - the attachment of craving and the displeasure of aversions. We feel both craving and aversions in our lives without realising that these are both impermanent. This causes us to build more Sanskaras and each time we react we deepen the Sanskaras, creating karma. Vipassana teaches you to use your own body's sensations and by maintaining equanimity towards both the good and the bad sensations, to slowly slowly get rid of our sankaras created and carried over lifetimes. As you slowly maintain equanimity toward to the pleasurable feeling during the light floating vibrations as well as the physically testing pains of sitting still without movement for an hour, you realise that both pass, both are transient and you just observe without reaction. You instead observe, analyse and inspect the pain with complete equanimity. Therefore a good meditation isn't one where you feel good and light, but one where you observe with full awareness (vipassana actually means seeing things as they are) and maintaining complete equanimity.  Slowly this becomes the way to live your life as well. 

He also explains the relationship between our senses (body) and the mind and the outside world and how by using vipassana and realising the Truth of phenomenon, Buddha was able to free himself from karma, and therefore the cycle of life and death.  (It's quite beautiful and I don't want to kill it for anyone who wants to go - so will not go into details)

Since I've been to tushita and kept silence before,it didn't bother me too much. Having Gopika around was tempting - we smiled maybe twice and I broke silence once only to tell her on the second day that it's too small a place to avoid each other. After that till the last day, we would be next to each other, head down, and it really wasn't a problem. 

The silence actually helps you to stay with yourself. I think a lot and almost in all my alone time live in a land of fantasy. I observed this behaviour pattern play itself out and hopefully have left it behind. 

Lots of dreams, inner children (that I did chat with), memories came up - healed hopefully! 

My test was the noise. The Pune riverside center is surrounded by a really party village with no loudspeaker laws. All night they'd have something going on and 6 nights I had almost no sleep. I finally went to the guruji and told him that instead of dropping attachments I was adding on more every night from crying and frustration from this sound (it was even Hindi or English music that I could understand or hum) - he told me to simply practice in bed before sleep and see what happens. The first time I did that I felt like my body was floating about a foot above me and wasn't really physical anymore. It was a layer of vibrations. I'm not even sure if there was any music after that! According to Goenkaji in one of the discourses, this experience is that of the true nature of matter. As science now knows, we are all energy, the physical form is of denser particles and we can only "know" this by true self experience - this was what I was experiencing.  Vipassana is supposed to be the tool to experience the true nature of life at the level of self, and therefore making it a personally realised truth - the only way to moving toward enlightenment. 

Not eating cereal was hard (I was on a restricted diet for other reasons including testing my will power) cause the food looked so good! But I think it served me well cause I found a determination that I didn't think I still had. I think I've gained some perspective about my own minds thought  and behaviour patterns - almost as if I was observing it from the outside.  My mind isn't racing anymore and I haven't moved into fantasy land even once in the last 3 days even when I've been completely bored. When I do start, I'm able to recognise it immediately and use the technique to come back completely into the present. 

I still have a backache which I developed there but it's ebbing. Our Sanskaras come out as pains and as we maintain equanimity toward them they start to go away. By not reacting anymore we don't create new ones, and then the old stored ones come out. Slowly slowly we release them one by one... one step closer to nirvana :)

Forgiveness 101

But I don't want to forgive or forget. I don't want to let go of the way I feel because he hurt me so much. My mother in law made my life miserable; she doesn't deserve my forgiveness. 

I hear this  a lot. And here's the only thing that matters - when you hold on to anger, hate, or resentment, the only person who actually knows and feels and lives this is you, the person who holds onto it. The person who caused you the pain is free, living out his or her own karma and going about his or her own business, possibly oblivious to the fact that you have these feelings within you. 

There's a lot said about being the bigger person and being the first to let go. I'm going to look at this from the point of view of 'I" - the most important person in this scenario, possibly a victim, but that soon becomes irrelevant and what remains is simply an unhappy 'I' - so we're simply going to back to 'I' and 'I' will take the time out to look inside of me and figure out a way to be free from any and all negative emotions.  

Here's a simple step by step methodology. Each step can take time but it's so worth it.

1. Acknowledge that you have the issues that your holding onto. Would help to actually believe that there is an issue inside before you go looking for it

  

2. Try and identify the person (s) and the  exact feeling that you have - and therefore narrow down the cause

3. Don't try and focus on the why me aspect, it's futile! Instead focus on the why me, what was I to learn from it? The moment you acknowledge your life lesson, you'll no longer feel the pain or the anger because you'll soon realise that this person (s) and situations (s) were brought into your life for this purpose

4. Forgive - truly, completely and hope and bless the person (s) involved with an abundance of prosperity and happiness and peace. Take a moment and bless yourself as well.

5. Stay happy and at peace with the outcome - you can continue to be friends or you can part ways. Sometimes people are meant to leave your life and that's ok too.  

Lastly, forgive yourself. While it sounds the simplest, it's probably the hardest to do. We will talk about this another time again! 

Forgiveness brings more peace that you can possibly imagine and creates space for happiness without any adulteration of thoughts and feelings. Imagine travelling through life without a suitcase, being able to go where you want, do what you want with nothing to slow and weigh you down. That would be one hell of a holiday!

Detachment Made Simple

Among the most complex concepts to understand, hardest acts of will to follow through with and yet central to the teachings of Buddha and The Gita,  is detachment.

"Karm kar fal ki chinta mat kar," says the Gita but finds so much resistance to even the acceptance of this statement. Reason resonates, how do I not love and therefore expect from my husband and children? How do I not hope and wish? How do I work so hard but then not care about getting my due in rewards or recognition? How do I not want more, expect more... And similarly how do I then let go of all that I posses in people and materialistic belongings? 

It's actually really simple. Feel, experience, love, work, enjoy, bless and let go. Detach. 

If someone makes you feel wonderful - enjoy the experience to the fullest. Let go. 

If someone does you wrong, get angry and be mad. And then, let go. 

If you have a family you love, love them at the present moment to the fullest. Then let go. 

If you worked hard on a project, enjoy it's success or review it's failure and then, let go. 

Detach. Allow the memories to simply remain memories. 

Detachment sets you free. It allows you to experience this very moment to the fullest without the baggage of the past or the fear of the future. It sets you free from maintaining records of happiness and sadness, from maintaining a 'hisaab kitaab' of people in your life. 

One deep breath. Now, simply just let go. 

Give up or Give in?

There comes a time when your just plain tired. Not just the physical body, but your mental, emotional and maybe your astral body as well.

While I was sharing and lamenting about how tired I was, and how I was ready to give up, not fight life anymore, a friend asked me, give up or give in?

So started this chain of thought... 

Giving up means admiting defeat - toward yourself, your own happiness and what you believe is worth fighting for. Giving in means surrending completely - while you continue to follow your path. 

The biggest change and the biggest challenge when you give in is a detachment from the result. Knowing that whatever or whoever ( the supreme being, the universe, god?)  is taking care of your business and that life will unfold as it should. 

It means becoming emotionally detached from the persons involved. Giving up on expectation from them, while still not giving up on them.  

It means resolving to consciously not react with pure emotion under any circumstance. Allowing yourself to process any situation objectively changes the way to choose to react to it. Logic typically triumphs over emotion - conscious action prevails over anger, frustration, or a breakdown. 

Lastly it means not giving up. Staying hopeful, knowing in your heart that a higher power is always looking after you. What will be, will be, and will be for the best. It means to continue to have faith and to trust with full faith. 

Giving in means not to give up. Giving in means to open up your life to the opportunity of an unexpected life!